Tinder ina Tenda vijana

I was in my very untidy bedsitter, clothes and dirty plates thrown everywhere just relaxing, having a good time by my standards which were not being disturbed, watching a series film. Having a good time? Who am I kidding, I was stressed up. Let me be honest, I was I my room convincing myself I should quit drinking and put my life together, you see the previous night my depressions made me drink a whole bottle of Kenya Kane, yeah, you must be wondering a whole fucking bottle, yeah a whole fucking bottle, let’s not even talk how I was feeling . I was invited to a birthday party and the birthday girl bought like ten drinks and told us to drink. Who am is my depressed self to reject such an offer, I drank until the only thing I remember is nothing, only friends laughing at me when they see me, holding their mouths and shaking their heads with “waah, joseph”. I would love to ask them “Jana kulienda aje” but I know very well I was super lit don’t want to ask questions which will leave me regretting about last night more than I already do.

my drinking also made me not to spend time with my crush, which really crushed me, during the previous day the girl was like, Jose, you just have to come to the party, I didn’t want to go to the party at first but she was like I’ll give you company, me hearing that I was like, YES! YES! Ntakuja. You see a month ago I had approached her and I was like “hey, I like, are you dating if you are not we can make it happen”. Don’t judge me, that’s just me shooting my shot I don’t do vibes I go straight for the killer shot, if a girl likes me well we try it out, if she doesn’t off to the next patient, and she was like “yes I have many boyfriends” I just stood there laughed and walked away, but two weeks ago she started texting me and showing some wonderful signs. So I went to the party for her but my love for alcohol took me to another level. when I had shut down in the club and woke around at 5 am, saw her their struggling, being given milk, I knew immediately I had fucked up, I had forgotten all about her, okay not sure if she drunk that much because of the way I behaved and did give a fuck about her or just maybe she also had her problems, anyway we are all stressed about something.

Now back to me in my room, I receive a call from a friend of mine, the guy is very excited over the phone, he has finally got a date after searching for so long and since the date is at around 3 pm I invite him for some gossip about the girl, yeah, we men gossip too. He had sent me the pic through WhatsApp and by the picture the girl was on fire, big flooded juicy lips with the red lipstick on them makes one wanna suck them dry, the waist flat tammy, though she looked tinny she had a lovely ass, anyway who am I kidding with the phones of today, a girl might look like Miguna Miguna in person but the photo will make them look like my crush, my crush?, talking about my crush?, damn it the girl is pretty, now this is another one, not the one I described earlier. This second one made me very happy, you see during that stupid day called boyfriends day, she didn’t post the boyfriend, but one month she used to post the guy every day, until I had to delete her number, mahn! I felt gutted whenever she posted him, but I had a feeling the guy was shit, yeah I was that jealous, we used to vibe before I deleted her number, then about three weeks ago she was like did you lose your phone, and I was like yeah, yes, yes, I couldn’t tell her “look, I deleted your number because I like you too much and I know very well you and I can never be. But even that, I still occasionally think about her, you see one day I was very stressed, I was working on my book and when editing it found it was somehow shit, now if you are not a writer this might be hard to understand but after finishing the 1st hard copy and you start editing your work the mistakes might make you feel like shit, so I went to WhatsApp and posted “that” with that sad emoji and she was the first person to ask what’s wrong, I told her and she took some time telling me not to lose hope and advised me for almost 30 minutes, and for her I finished my book even if it might not sell one copy, am forever grateful to her for that. That’s when my feelings for her surpassed the normal crush and like perimeter, but she was with another who she said she loved and I knew my chances were very limited, considering the way am fucking broke and I think the guy has a car, yap! I was not in her level not by anywhere near 100 billion trillion miles, there’s no way she could look at me the way I looked at her, it’s just impossible, how can I steal a girl from a guy with a car when sometimes me and my friend eat the food of yesterday’s supper as breakfast and lunch. The food itself is ugali na Sukuma, the girl posts going to fancy places and eating pizza, pizza? I don’t even know how it tastes, fancy places? I only know my keg pub and the small dingy TV hall I go to watch my sweet arsenal.

I find myself talking too much about my crushes, hehehehehe, sorry, back to the story, my friend comes, well dressed, being my fellow broke ninja, am surprised he is wearing 9k worth of cologne. We start talking about the girl, well, she met the girl on tinder, they hadn’t quite met before face to face, and this was supposed to be their first time. I was happy for him, am not a believer in love made over social media, for a guy who once deactivated all his social media account, yeah! I can never, to me social media is a scam, right now when I decided to go back to social media, I only have an account for Twitter, WhatsApp is just a must, you just know why. I was happy for my friend, really hoped the date becomes a success, I could see in his face he was very excited, his pink lips glowing, eyes that are always stressed are filled with life, up to them his dark eyebrow glistering with hope.

We talked about our fucked up love life experiences, laughing, making jokes and listening to old school bongo songs like na wewe tuBinti kiziwi and those really dope songs, back when bongo was bongo, not tetema, don’t get me wrong I love diamond, that guy is a really hard worker and a respect that about him. It’s just I crave for that old bongo flow.

At around 1 pm the girl asked him 300 fare, now that’s not a lot of money, so he sent the girl the cash, Mpesard her. Here is when I started to realize things were shit, yeah 300 is not that a lot of money but the fact that the girl had earlier refused to give him her phone number was a red flag alert, mayday! Mayday! Mission abort! Things. The girl was like let’s just chat through Tinder if she was serious with him it couldn’t have been like that and also just accepting to come and meet up with a stranger and spend a night at his place, come!. People usually wonder if I ever trust anybody, in the world we live in, it’s very hard, and people never really gave me a solid reason to trust them. And I don’t want to end up like Davy jones, pirate of the Caribbean: Dead man’s chests, so mostly it’s me, myself and I, the grade one trinity weirdo.

So at around 2 pm, my guy, calls the girl and the girl doesn’t pick up, goes online to chat with her on tinder but she has unmatched him, just like that. And that just increasingly increased my reason for never to trust these online dating sites. The girl had made money, I salute her though, in a country like Kenya you just have to be smart to survive, in a country where a chance of getting employed without connection is like Eminem coming to perform in Kenya, you have to be smart. I salute her since the money she requested was a small not that big and any boy can send, now imagine if she does the same thing to around 100 men in a month, that’ a cool 30k in month, she gets 30k in a month without even breaking a freaking sweat, 30 fucking K.

The stories is also the same with another friend of mine that I just learned yesterday, now his is a little different though, after losing 10k to sport betting, mhindi alimkula videadly, the guy was stressed, and he couldn’t call his parents for money, they were already tired of his spending, in a month they had approximately send him 50k, which he lost all in betting. So he decided to go to tinder, created a sexy account in a female’s bio, and uploaded his cute sister’s photos, he told me in a week he had made 20k by coning men. 

The easy way to get money is just by asking for 200 to 500 for transport to meet up since most people are willing to depart with that amount of money, as they don’t see it as much, but the person behind the account is ripping big in total. Dating sites are just a new way to make money, forget YouTube and Instagram, with tinder, you just flirt in your bed and your Mpesa balance increases.

To my fellow ninjas out there please take care. 

BOOYAKA KAWABANGA OUT!!!!!!! Till next time :).

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